From teddies to sneakers: what if my child steals?

1 to 5 years: why children of preschool age or in kindergarten steal

Young children don’t really understand what ownership and property mean. In addition, children are not yet fully able to control their impulses. For example, if a child takes a friend’s glittery crayons home instead of giving them back, it’s not a calculated act.

What can parents do in this type of situation? Use the incident to explain the concept of ownership in specific terms. For example, you can tell them that a birthday present belongs to the child alone, their favorite board game belongs to the whole family, and their friend’s toy belongs to their friend.

It’s also very important for parents and guardians to act as role models and set an example for their children at this age. If you forget to count an item when self-scanning at the supermarket, explain to your child what has happened, and go back to the store together to pay for it.

6 to 11 years: why children in primary school (lower and middle level) steal

Primary school children should know the rules of possession and theft, but they may not yet understand all the consequences of their actions. Children of this age also find it difficult to resist temptation.

Another reason may be peer pressure or attention-seeking – the influence of peers and the desire for recognition often play a role in thefts at primary school age. This is the case, for example, if a child steals the latest trading cards from a store so that they can show them off in the playground. However, stealing may also be an unconscious cry for help from the child. You should therefore always take stealing seriously.

What can parents do in this type of situation? Toy libraries and libraries are excellent learning environments for children of this age because they teach children what it means to borrow something. The children realize that although they can use the object for a while, they have to take care of it and then give it back.

12 to 18 years: why teenagers steal from secondary school I onwards

For teenagers, the motives for theft are much more complex than for younger children. They range from affirming their identity and bowing to peer pressure to simply searching for a “kick”.

Sometimes, however, a child who steals is also looking for attention. The act can be an unconscious cry for help or a rebellion against their parents. Other reasons include insecurity or extreme stress, if a child is looking for an outlet for their emotions. Or maybe your teenager simply wants to test the limits by picking up some branded items in a clothes store that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford.

What can parents do in this type of situation? Talk to your teenager openly and without accusations. Try to understand how this could have happened. You can then discuss the potential consequences and alternative ways of meeting your child’s needs. If thefts occur frequently, it may help to seek advice from a specialist agency such as Pro Juventute.

Interview guide: what to do when children steal

If it turns out that your child has stolen something, your first feeling will probably be shock. However, try not to react by punishing your child right away. Talk to them as equals in a calm atmosphere.

1. Start by taking a moment to sort out your feelings. Instead of scolding your child or getting angry, sleep on it and wait until the following day when you have calmed down a bit.
2. Allow enough time for the conversation. This shows your child that the discussion is important to you and that it is a serious topic.
3. Start the conversation by saying that you are aware of the theft without judging the crime. This can sound different depending on the incident. For example, “The Meier family called and told us that you have Samir’s book. We’d like to talk to you about it.” Or: “I’ve discovered that you’ve stolen an expensive pair of jeans. I’d like to talk to you about it.”
4. Next, let your child explain themselves and listen without judging. Try to understand their motives.
5. Adapt your reaction to the reason for the theft. For example, if it’s connected with your child’s self-esteem, let them know that they are loved just the way they are and that they don’t have to own certain objects or prove how brave they are.
6. Then you should clearly signal that you as a parent have a different set of values and that theft definitely crosses the line. You should also explain the legal consequences of theft to your child.
7. Finally, discuss how your child can make amends.  

Clear consequences of theft: what can parents do?

Harsh punishments rarely fulfill their purpose; logical consequences that are tailored to the crime often have a better learning effect.

For example, if the child has stolen something from a friend, they should return the item and write a letter of apology. If they have been shoplifting, on the other hand, it may make sense to organize for them to do unpaid work.

Explain to the child in a manner that is appropriate for their age why they can’t always have everything they want. If your primary school child has stolen candy from a store, you can explain that candy is unhealthy and is therefore not allowed every day.

As parents, you should remain strict and consistent, but accompany and support your child every step of the way. For example, by going with them to the store and being present when they explain the situation and apologize. This turns the consequences into an effective learning opportunity for your child.

You should also help your child to deal with feelings of guilt and shame. Give these feelings a name and be understanding. If necessary, talk about your own experiences and mistakes that you made when you were young – and how you made amends for them.

Unfortunately, stealing is sometimes not an exception and becomes a habit for a child. For example, older siblings who take their little sister’s favorite toy away from her again and again. This can become a burden for the whole family. Try to get your child out of the habit:

1. Have open conversations: As a family, talk about property, respect and the right way to behave. Underline the points you want to make with the help of examples that correspond to the age of the child. This statement can be helpful for a small child: “When things don’t belong to us, we have to share with others or ask before we take them.” With an older child, you can try to change the perspective by asking this question: “How would you feel if someone took your things without asking?”
2. Guide your child through the conflict: Don’t simply resolve the conflict for your child – for example, by taking the toy in a sibling dispute and giving it back to the younger brother or sister. It’s important that both children learn that property must be respected. Make sure that you explain why.
3. Actively encourage positive behavior: Reward the child when they behave well. Recognize and reward honesty, and praise the child when they obey the rules.
4. Set clear boundaries and remain consistent: Consistency is important for reinforcing rules, such as how the child should treat other people’s property or the importance of sticking to joint agreements.
5. Focus on building trust instead of simply punishing your child: If your child has been stealing money, for example, discuss solutions to determine how and to what extent the child can make amends and repay what they have taken. This will strengthen your child’s trust in you.